144: What Actually Makes a Blended Family Work? What the Research Says

How to Make a Blended Family Work, According to Decades of Stepfamily Research

What if some of the things you’ve been told a blended family should look like are actually making things harder?

If you’ve ever searched for how to make a blended family work, chances are you’ve found plenty of opinions. Be patient. Love them like your own. Communicate more. Treat everyone equally. Give it time.

But what does the actual research say?

This episode of The Stepmom Diaries is a special conversation pulled straight from our recent Stepmom Summit, where I sat down with three of the leading researchers in the stepfamily field to talk about what decades of research tell us about building relationships, raising kids across two households, navigating the stepparent role, and creating a blended family that works for the people actually living in it.

And one of the biggest takeaways?

There is no single “right” way to do stepfamily life.

Meet the Researchers

Dr. Brad van Eeden-Moorefield is a professor of family science and human development at Montclair State University whose research looks at how stigma, culture, policy, and the expectations placed on families affect real stepfamily relationships.

Dr. Bailey M. Oliver-Blackburn is an associate professor at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock who studies stepfamily communication, conflict transformation, and family resilience, including what happens when children move between homes with very different rules, beliefs, and values.

Dr. Todd Jensen is a professor at UNC Chapel Hill and director of the Thriving Through Family Transitions Research Lab. Much of his work focuses on what helps kids thrive in stepfamilies and how strong relationships between stepparents and stepchildren actually develop.

Together, they bring decades of research into a conversation about what stepfamilies need to know but often aren’t being told.

In This Episode, We Talk About:

Why there is no single right way to be a stepparent
What research says helps kids thrive in blended families
How to handle different rules, routines, beliefs, and values when children move between two households
What the research says about the real effects of criticizing the other household
The difference between cooperative co-parenting vs. high-conflict or parallel parenting
Why traditional family expectations don’t work in stepfamilies

One of the most important things Todd explains is that high-quality stepparent-stepchild relationships can take many different forms.

For one family, connection might happen through helping with homework. For another, it might simply mean joking together, talking occasionally, or sharing an activity. What seems to matter more is the way those interactions feel: warmth, good timing, respect, and giving kids some choice in how the relationship develops.

In other words, forcing closeness isn’t the goal. Building a relationship that works for the people involved is.

When Two Homes Do Things Completely Differently

We also dig into something that causes enormous stress in many blended families: what happens when your household and the other household have very different rules or values.

Bailey’s research found that the biggest conflicts weren’t necessarily the huge political or religious differences she initially expected.

They were often much more everyday.

Things like academics. Screen time. Bedtimes. Discipline. Independence. Spending. Productivity. Supervision.

Those rules often reflect deeper beliefs about what matters and how children should be raised.

One strategy that emerged from the research was redirection.

When a child comes home saying, “Mom says you’re wrong,” or “Dad thinks your rule is ridiculous,” our instinct may be to defend ourselves or explain why the other parent is wrong.

Instead, Bailey suggests redirecting the conversation back toward what your household values and why you make the choices you do, without turning it into an attack on the other home.

That small shift can take a child out of the middle while still allowing your household to have its own standards.

Your Stepfamily Does Not Have to Look Like a First Family

This might be the piece every stepmom needs to hear.

Stepfamilies are still regularly judged by standards created for first-marriage families.

Researchers and clinicians have historically asked questions like: Why aren’t these relationships closer? Why doesn’t the stepparent act more like a biological parent? Why isn’t everyone functioning like one unified household?

But Brad points out that one of the first assumptions professionals need to let go of is that stepfamilies should look or function like first families at all.

Different does not automatically mean dysfunctional.

And when a stepchild seems distant, that does not automatically mean the stepparent has done something wrong. Sometimes age, development, loyalty conflicts, relationships with biological parents, or simply the child’s own adjustment process have far more to do with what is happening.

So, How Do You Make a Blended Family Work?

Maybe the answer is less about finding the perfect formula and more about letting go of the idea that one exists.

Todd summed it up beautifully near the end of our conversation:

There are many different paths to high-quality relationships. The goal is finding the one that works for your family.

That means paying attention to the people in front of you.

Staying warm without forcing closeness.

Giving relationships room to develop.

Letting kids have a voice.

Understanding that different homes can operate differently.

And remembering that your family does not have to look like anyone else’s family to be a good one.

Want More From the 2026 Stepmom Summit?

This conversation is just one of the sessions from this year’s Stepmom Summit.

For a limited time, you can purchase access to the 2026 Stepmom Summit recordings for just $97 and watch the sessions you missed or revisit the conversations you want to hear again.

👉 Get the 2026 Stepmom Summit recordings for $97 HERE. The $97 offer ends Sunday, October 4th at 11:59 PM ET.